just a tip

A reader recently suggested that I write tips for the friends of betrayed spouses.  I’m not sure why this was the first thing that popped into my head, but –

Know your friend’s wedding anniversary.  Seriously, put that sh*t on your calendar and press repeat.  Don’t mention it unless they do – remind them that they are loved and not left out.  Call them, text them, show up at their door with a box of wine – whatever – be omnipresent.

And when they’re particularly sad, take them somewhere neither of you have been before and show them that life has been going on there this whole time, and his or her relationship is and always was irrelevant to it.

Just trust me on that last one.

to us!

20130908-121247.jpg
I just realized that I missed our special day! Happy anniversary to us!!! We’ve been meeting here for TWO YEARS, along with over 243,000 of my closest friends.
The two of you look like a modern-day version of Ozzie and Harriet. I’ve been skeptical in the past but, seeing you lovebirds together like this, makes me really think that Tom is starting to get his shit together. I mean, just look at him!
A real beaut you’ve got there!

So, CHEERS to us and congratulations on finding your one true love via an extramarital affair with a slutty coworker. It was totally meant to be, possibly written in the stars since the beginning of time.

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us girls: the plan

mooch

Hey, Pot!  It’s your old pal, Kettle.

It was late June, a couple years ago, when this all began. She was sitting in my kitchen when I finally asked,

“So, this other woman, what’s her name?”

Sarah: “Her name is Haley. She works with Tom at Hy-Vee”

Me: “How old is she?”

Sarah: “I don’t know… she’s one of those people who tans all the time, kinda leathery, blonde, you know what I mean?…so I can’t really tell.”

Me:  I used to know a gal named Haley, who lived in Columbia, but that was years ago.  She dated a good friend of mine.  She always talked about wanting to be a pharmacy tech, but she was a real idiot.  Her last name was Seibel, I think. “

Sarah: “I don’t know what her last name is”

Me:  “Well, you’d know if it was this girl. The Haley I know has such strange body proportions, it’s the first thing you notice about her.  She’s kinda husky looking on top – no boobs, no hips, weird lookin’ legs…”

I look at Sarah and her face is white and her mouth is wide open.  She couldn’t talk but she didn’t have to, it was obviously the same Haley.

Me: “Let’s find that bitch on Facebook”

Two hours later, Haley and I were “friends” again.  Little did she know, she had just made the second biggest mistake of her life.

About a week later, I was sitting in Sarah’s kitchen – she was sad, watching home videos to torture herself, and I was pissed off drunk douchebecause, while I was trying to console my friend, I could see pictures of her deadbeat husband and his new gal, posing with co-workers at a bar, popping up on my news feed.  I was all like, “What the hell are these people thinking, taking selfies with this asshat? As if they didn’t know this guy just walked out on his wife and small children”

While I’m sitting there, still fuming, one of Sarah’s little girls walks up smiling, and says,

“I have an idea!”  She hands Sarah a little piece of paper, “You can write ‘Please come back home’ and when daddy comes to pick us up, you can give it to him!”

She was so proud of herself and, while Sarah tried to find the words to respond to this, I had to leave the room.  I couldn’t take it.

Me: “Aren’t you going to see your sister this weekend?”

Sarah: “Yeah”

Me: “Are you taking your laptop?”

Sarah: “No. Why?”

Me:  “Let me take it home.  You don’t want to leave it here in case that jerk decides to swing by while you’re gone.  I’ll tune it up for you too.”

“When a friend is in trouble, don’t annoy them by asking if there’s anything you can do – Just think up something appropriate and DO IT.”

-Edward W. Howe

At this point, I didn’t have a plan but I knew I had a nanny scheduled that weekend, and it was on.

I couldn’t expect the mistress’s friends to totally abandon her, but this was a girl known mostly for her epic homewrecking abilities.  Her rampant infidelity and low self-esteem made great fodder for happy hour, which seemed to save her from becoming a pariah.  The fact that they seemed to readily accept philandering Tom though, that was a different subject.  So that was my goal – while these idiots were out doing jello shots and high-fiving this douche, I wanted to make sure they knew what was happening with the family he abandoned, just a few blocks away.

So I set up a generic email account, threw together the video, posted it on youtube, and proceeded to send the link out to each of Haley’s facebook friends, her parents and siblings. In the original version of the video, I asked her Facebook friends to de-friend her to make a statement and then I held my breath, hoping to God that it would work.

It worked.

For a mom of four girls, who doesn’t get out much because of it, I felt like a Total. Badass.  So what if it looked like my pre-tween produced it, I didn’t care – it was something of beauty.

The response was overwhelming.  I had emails for days from other women, thanking me for giving them some overdue vindication after their husbands/boyfriends allegedly cheated on them with Haley.

Did you catch that?  Husbands and boyfriends – as in plural.

After a couple weeks, I decided to start a blog – basically just a place to park the video.  Another week passes and I decide to start writing.proud

Oh, wait – you’re probably wondering what Sarah thought when she found out about the video, right?

I wish I could tell you, but her attorney would likely advise me not to ;)

Continued…

us girls

Me and SarahMs. Schulte,

My name is D_____, and I’m a Psychology major at the University of ________.   I’m working on a research paper regarding infidelity and different methods men and women cope with the emotional trauma it causes.  I was referred to your blog by one of my professors, who thought the revenge aspect, from the friend’s point of view, would be worth looking into.   I’ve read all of your posts and I’m completely fascinated and agree that the information age of revenge is something totally underestimated. 

If you don’t mind answering a few questions, some out of my own curiosity and some for my paper, I would be forever grateful.  If there’s anything you’re not comfortable answering, I’ll understand.  If you would rather communicate over the phone, you can reach me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

(1.)  What prompted you to start this blog, avenging Sarah? 

(2.)  Your blog implies that this is a solo effort – what role has Sarah played in aiding you in this endeavor? 

(3.)  What were you hoping to gain from this blog, particularly the video you created?  Were you hoping for any sort of reconciliation? 

(4.)  What are some of the positive and negative effects this blog has had on you, your friend, etc.?

(5.)  Do you believe that this blog has helped or hindered your friend’s healing process? 

(6.)  What kind of feedback have you received from readers?

(7.)  You released some very damning information about both the mistress and the ex-husband within your blog – do you fear retaliation?

(8.)  I see you haven’t written as much lately – what are your plans for the blog’s future?

(9.)  In your opinion, was the blog a success?  Did you achieve what you were looking for? 

(I apologize if some of the questions are redundant.)

Just in case this is another witch hunt by a lowbrow private investigator, I thought I would go ahead and post my responses publically, so we can all be on the same page by parlaying it into much needed blog updates.

I’m not good with bulleted questions, so I’ll just start typing and hope that, somewhere within my conscience stream of thought, you’ll find the answers you’re seeking.  I’m short on time, so I’ll have to make this into a series of posts, starting off with my more serious side.

Shall we begin?

You’ve asked what I wish to gain from this blog and I can honestly say that, in the beginning, the only purpose was to speak directly to those who might not take time to consider how painful the wake of infidelity is.  From there, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to happen or where I wanted to take this.  It ultimately became its own animal.  I received an email once, from someone speculating my motives and accused me, more or less, of self-promotion.  I explained to them, like I’ll explain to you, that I created the video and the blog under a pseudonym and did my best to maintain it until they finally figured me out.  One of the major factors in my efforts to keep this on the “DL”, was Nathan.  He is very conservative, kind and courteous, and I thought he would throttle me if he ever found out that I was behind something like this.  If he would walk into the room, I would frantically close my laptop and be all like, “Hey! I was just getting up”.   I did this so often, I’m pretty sure he speculated that I had a porn addiction.  It wasn’t until we were sitting out on the deck one night, that I knew I had been found out. Without looking up, Nate casually asks if Haley was the one who had commented on the blog, pretending to be a detective and, if so, could I prove it.  I didn’t answer him for a few beats while I got my heart rate under control and then I proceeded to unload a year’s worth of melodrama, relieved to be out of the closet.  I can’t say that he thinks my blog was a super-awesome idea but, what’s done is done and he supports my freedom of speech and my decision to “let it ride” when I was threatened with a lawsuit.

Anyway, my point is, the last thing I wanted to do was self-promote when I started writing but, now that my name is on it, I’ve been given the freedom to really involve myself on a personal level and I can’t say that it doesn’t occasionally stroke my ego to be praised, and even criticized, for my work.

What I’ve gained unintentionally from the blog is enormous.  Most of the benefits are emotional.  I’ve made friends and gained a new respect for humility and the love and kindness women are capable of offering each other once our guards are down.

To explain -

This was a situation I could not fix.  I could distract my friend but I couldn’t repair what was broken.  It killed me. We weren’t as close then, Sarah and I, but I felt responsible for her, like she needed me.  I identified with her tragedy, not because I’ve personally endured it, but because I, too, was hopelessly in love with a man and the family we had together.  I can imagine my death with more ease than I can imagine being abandoned.  I needed to help her.  So there I was, a million shattered pieces of my friend, lying in front of me, and I couldn’t touch them, only will them back together.

I’ve always considered myself a guy’s gal – Is that what you call it?  You know, someone who says, “I have a lot of guy friends because I get along with them better than girls” – Yeah, I was that girl.  During this process, I’ve fallen in love with being a girl.  We’re different from men in obvious ways, but there’s something else that ties us together that we have a hard time feeling when we’re too caught up in comparison.  Most men have a difficult time expressing their emotions and waxing poetic with other men about overcoming sadness.  They can’t hug each other quite like we can and to literally lean on another’s shoulder is totally unheard of.  But nope, not us – our love and kindness isn’t that awkward and the fight in us to protect each other is dangerously underestimated.

The problem we typically face is being stifled by our own pride.  We cannot bear to have a failure aired in front of neighbors or old rivals from high school but, in reality, although 58850_10151522473742086_1502369899_nsome will inevitably gossip, droves of people will arrive to lift you up.  Take for instance the “My Husband had a Mistress Moving Sale”.  Putting up those signs was an afterthought, at 3 A.M., when Sarah pulled a giant family photo out of her closet.  Next thing you know, I’m covered in sharpie and driving stakes all over town, inviting Boone county to come on over and gawk at the heart on Sarah’s sleeve – and boy did they.  They came by the hundreds, maybe thousands (I took a nap halfway through) and, instead of swing by to judge, most came to offer a hug, share their own story and, of course, buy something.  It felt like the whole town patted her on the back that day and gave Sarah the closure she needed after being forced to move from the place she brought two newborn babies home to.   (It was also very lucrative – I’ll tell you what we did with the proceeds later) ( :

Based upon the blog’s response, you’d think everyone has been betrayed by a lover, a father or even a mother.  Everyone has a story to tell when they’re free to be themselves, when they’re free from the air of perfection.  We can heal each other.  Your humility can save you.  That’s what this blog has done, in a small way – it has made Sarah one of many and when the many come together, they’re an unstoppable force, helping each other get by, calling out the a**hole and telling the “mean girl” to GO. F*CK. HERSELF.

That’s what I’ve got out of this experience, personally.  As for what I want others to get out of it, I suppose I want to put them on notice, maybe teach them something about consequence.   People who betray others, especially their spouse and children, can walk away, sure, it’s a free country – but freedom works both ways.

Remember that.

Continued…

hello, thesaurus.

I’ve been writing recently and discovered that I’ve used every single synonym for the words “gross” and “liar” in the English language.

Also, I’m thinking of starting my own research project that would be similar to “Faces of Meth”, called, “Faces of infidelity: She may be easy but she’s hard on your face”

Kinda catchy, isn’t it?Pimp TG

he sounds dreamy

I occasionally get mail from readers, which I love, and one of these days, I promise I’ll write you back when I’m not knee deep in diapers and having to wrestle sharpies from my children every five minutes.

The following letter was a break from the norm, so I decided to publicly respond to it…

Dear Annie,

Given your opinions, I wanted to see what you thought of my situation. I’m a single mom of a seven year old boy who is desperately in love with a man I met about eight months ago. He is a contractor and lives temporarily in my city, working on a new shopping development. Every weekend he goes back to his home, in a city 200 miles away to spend the weekend with his daughter. Two weeks ago, I found his ex-wife’s facebook page and her profile picture was a family picture, which included my boyfriend, taken at Christmas. When I confronted him about it, he tried to convince me it was taken two Christmases ago, which I didn’t believe, and then he tried to say he posed in it as a “favor” to his daughter. After a very long night of lies, he admitted he was still married but it was “on the rocks”.

What do I do? I’m in love with him! My son is in love with him! He even met my parents and they’re in love with him. I despise him for doing this to me, but it is sooo hard to unlove someone. I don’t want to be another Haley. I think girls like her are trash. I would like to think I’m different and I would never knowingly wreck a family.

My boyfriend has begged me to stick with him. He says his wife is a lunatic, who openly hates him and threatens to take him for all he’s worth, which is why he hasn’t filed for divorce yet. He promises me that he’ll file for divorce when this job is over and he can be near his daughter during the backlash and make sure his wife doesn’t run off with her somewhere.

So, what do I do now? Please be gentle.

First, thank you for seeking my opinion on this matter. I am truly flattered. Second – I’m sorry for your loss; loss of a boyfriend, that is. You absolutely MUST walk away from this man. HE HAS LIED TO YOU, repeatedly, and his flimsy excuse for having an affair should be insulting to your intelligence. I’m sure this is all very painful for you but you need to grow the f*ck up, darling, and read the writing on the wall. What was this man supposed to tell you? That he’s cheating on his wife because he’s a selfish lowlife that wanted his ego stroked? No, he’s going to play the victim and claim she’s a lunatic. Coincidentally, 99.9% of betrayed spouses all happen to be called lunatics by the betrayer – I wonder why that is? Hmm…

In regards to your son, and how fond he is of your betraying boyfriend, picture this – let’s say your son is ten years older and can think more rationally – he would likely want to throttle this asshole for having done this to you, not continue to play catch with him. He would never say, “Don’t leave him, mom! He said he’s divorcing his wife! C’mon!”

Don’t be/act stupid.

You need to cut yourself off completely from this guy and the best way to do that is to immediately go to his wife’s Facebook page and privately message her the details. Be kind in your approach. Leave out the lunatic part and assume, for good measure, that she loves and cares for him and is likely devastated by this news. Although some people may debate me, whether or not this is the right course of action, I say that honesty is essential here. She needs to know.

If you continue to humor a relationship with this man, you are no better than Haley and I hope his wife finds out and publicly humiliates you.

Once his divorce is final and you still want to cuddle with this piece of sh*t, have at it. At least this way you’ll just be an idiot instead of a skanky idiot.

Capisce?

Anything the peanut gallery would like to add?

killed it

Tom Greenlee

I am NOT anti-divorce.  I’m not even anti-open marriage IF both spouses are into that sort of thing.  I’m an “anti-screw around on your spouse and walk out on them, your kids and the mortgage” kind of gal.

There’s no excuse for infidelity – period.  There’s also no excuse for walking out on a marriage when you have not made attempts to fix it – or like in the Greenlee divorce, where the above worthless human, never even indicated to his spouse that he was unhappy – just walked out.

Out of all the betrayed spouses that I’ve had the pleasure to speak with, their narrative is the same.  Their spouse cheats on them and then, in the philandering spouses defense, the lowlife proceeds to rewrite history to their friends and family to portray the family they’ve abandoned in the worst light possible.

Justification – there is none.

Because they look like a heartless sh*tbag, they work tirelessly in their attempts to make their marriage appear nothing short of incarceration by a lazy ogre with chronic headaches, who browbeat them, never flushed the toilet and talked smack about their family.  The quickest way to get your friends and family to despise your ex is to tell them he or she hated them and/or thought they were fat.  Philanderers think they are manipulation magicians and despite how obvious it should be to those around them that they’re trying to excuse the inexcusable, this charade typically ends up working out for them.

Let me tell you this – there isn’t a married couple on this planet without enough ammunition against each other to make their relationship seem like a tour through Auschwitz.

STOP humoring them, and look at these cheating assholes for what they are – HEARTBREAKING, HOMEWRECKING, WEAK SONS OF B*TCHES, WHO HAVE DESTROYED THEIR FAMILY.

rich dad, poor dad

classThe above picture is of Tom Greenlee, while he was still married, drunk and pretending to get his concubine in the caboose.  It makes sense, considering this position typically makes nothing seem like something or, on the other hand, rear entry might be safer in light of Haley’s recently discovered diagnosis (please note that the author of this blog is only speculating that this might lower the risk of contracting certain afflictions, as she has never researched this particular statistic and is not a licensed doctor).  Either way, Tom looks pretty stupid.

In contrast, a good dad typically spends his evenings with his wife and children (like this one), and not at the bar, mimicking sex acts with his mistress.

Happy Monday.

throwback thursday: channeling jesus

Many of my long time followers may remember when Haley and Tom tried to sue me and failed miserably (refer to this post).  You might find it comical to read her Facebook updates during this time, where she and her wackadoodle attorney thought that, through Christ, they were going to take me out.

Apparently, God started off by telling Attorney Sullivan to pretend like a creepy anonymous commenter that was going to kick my a**…

kettle1

kettle2

 

kettle3

 

meanwhile…a blessingYeah, she’s AMAZING alright…  She just threatened me, under false pretenses, and consequently made herself a witness.  By the way, this creep-athon went on all night – she even emailed Nathan’s law firm through their website’s “contact us” section, saying that he better have me take down my website, or else…

(of course this is on top of Attorney Sullivan pretending to be a journalist, which you’ll have to read about on the above link)

At one point, Attorney Sullivan posted the following quote on Haley’s Facebook page:

fairy talesI’m honestly kind of flattered about being likened to a dragon.

Godyeah, because God loves sluts…

more prayersAmen.

Cross Fingers“and cross your bra straps”? You’re such a dipsh*t.  check in

Case dismissed because Jesus hates homewrecking tramps – surprise!

Obviously this was the abbreviated version.  For more details, please refer to the archives.

wineBe advised that, in the future, you shouldn’t buy your attorney gifts to celebrate a win before actually winning.  Awkward…

Worth Every Penny

Wendy

Wendy

 

Thinking they were underwater on their home, Wendy Swetz, the Greenlee’s Realtor, pulled off nothing short of a miracle.  Two days – TWO DAYS –  after listing Sarah’s house on the market, Wendy had it under contract.  Months prior to listing the house, Wendy held Sarah’s hand through all the improvements that needed to be made, always going the extra mile to comfort Sarah and make sure the process was as painless as possible.  She was part Realtor, part friend, part therapist and part divorce mediator.

If you find yourself needing to buy or sell a home in the Columbia area, I highly recommend Wendy – She’s a class act and a true professional.

You can find Wendy HERE.

moving along…

Greenlee House

It’s moving day! 

 

After bringing home two babies to this house and taking thousands of pictures inside its walls of a seemingly blissful existence, Sarah and her two little girls are moving out today.  Unable to afford the mortgage as a single parent, they were left with no other alternative.

 

I remember pulling into her driveway for the first time and being annoyed by how cute it was.  Not only was Sarah the sweetest friend and kindest mom, she even had a nauseatingly traditional, happy-looking house, complete with nautical decor, in the most family friendly neighborhood in town.

 

I suppose one could assume a new beginning is a good thing, but that isn’t necessarily the case when you consider that a three-year old little girl will be confused and heartbroken when she watches her dolls leave her pink bedroom and looks at her chandelier for the last time today.  Things are just not what they seemed…

 

On the bright side, the Seibel’s are also celebrating new beginnings via bankruptcy!  Now that your wages won’t be garnished, you’ll be able to buy more vodka.  Cheers to that!

bye-bye, bills!

bye-bye, bills!

 

 

yeah, maybe a smidgen…

I was sitting here, eating a late dinner and listening to c-span highlights, when I clicked on the list of recently used search terms that have generated blog traffic.  I check these out, now and then, because they’re almost always hilarious.  You would be surprised, how many ways the world spells “Haley Seibel”, “whore” and “hustling”.  You would also be surprised how many times boys in Columbia, Missouri do a simple internet search for local prostitutes.

Anyway, I was skimming through the list when…  

145(to my newest readers, Connie Sullivan was once Haley’s completely ineffective, totally bonkers attorney that tried to extort Nathan and pretended to be a journalist named “Melinda Twidwell” who was on the lam, hiding from her ex-husband and living the life of single mom/gardener/freelance writer.  Like Haley, Ms. Sullivan is also rumored to have dabbled in infidelity/home-wrecking.  

Yep, check the archives – I couldn’t make this sh*t up.

By the way, whoever Googled that – thanks for the laugh.  :)

 

Feds & Fidelity

I had meant to post this about a week ago, but there’s something about having four kids that has a tendency to distract me.  Take for instance NOW – the littlest one is in timeout for throwing pecan sandies at the cat and the four year old is taking blackmail  photos of me with her super-flattering Fisher Price camera.  I live in fear of her taking that damn thing to school and exposing our entire family.

Anyway, the blog has gotten significantly more traffic after the TSA harassed my three year old on our way to Disney World.  You can read about it here.  I hope this is a teachable moment for everyone: Don’t make my girls cry.

By the way, Haley made a stupid mistake and I’ve got a ton of updates.  Tom will be so proud!  Once my babysitter gets over the flu or my kids allow me to take a really long nap, I’ll fill you in.

also, he goes downtown.

Sarah’s divorce is officially FINAL, which means, any day now, Haley will be on the prowl for new talent.  Do you have what it takes to be her new beau?  Are you an average-looking dude with a wife and kids at home – preferably one that’s “with child” (worth an extra +5 charisma points)?  Do you bring in enough paper to sponsor another adult, child and several new prescription medications?  What are your feelings about in-store credit cards?  Are you open-minded about leg proportions and “loathsome communicable diseases” (re: Haley Montgomery et al v. Schulte)

If the above lady-treasure sounds intriguing, be sure to check back for updates.  ;)

While affections are waning at the rental of ill repute, Sarah has a new man in her life.  He’s super handsome, super fun and never b*tches about anything.

Yeah, that’s right – and he’s way hotter than Tom.  His name is Maintenance.  Alimony finally writes the check that Tom’s _____ could never cash. Alimony doesn’t need constant positive reinforcement to feel like a man – it likes to be used.

So, congrats that your divorce shenanigans are over.  Sarah is, at long last, sans weasel, I don’t have to bite my tongue anymore and Haley can resume her Rue 21 shopping sprees.

Snow days are the best, aren’t they?

alimony yay